Who am I without Islam? (PART I)

Ask my parents, who I was around 10-15 years ago?

Ask my childhood friend, who I was when we were in elementary school or in junior high school?

Ask my sister, ask my brother… You will get similar answer

I was rebellious, ignorant, vandal, and unstoppable

I did what I want to do, without limit

I never realize that I am a woman. I never realize that I am a Muslim.

I can’t count anymore how often my parents getting trouble because of my mistake

It is very long story to be at this stage, to be this kind of person.

But it is a collection of Allah’s help that save me when I almost falling to the abyss

The first help is when I was in Junior High School

It is still really clear for me. The memory when my parents put me in an Islamic boarding school. They hope me to be a better person that has good Aqidah & Ahlaq. But I did not get and did not feel anything anyting joining that school. It felt like a very un-modern and outdated education.

I learned about Tafsir, Hadits, Nahwu, Sorof, Fiqh, Faro’id, etc.. but i don’t know the meaning of each teaching. I just learned for the sake of good mark because I like to compete. And at least my parents still proud of me despite of my bad behavior.

I was a person who got punishment a lot from the school because I often run away from the school to watch movie in the cinema, skip school activity, dating, and so on.

I just did not feel that I was belong to that place at that time.


So in short… I ran away from there and did not want to come back

Literally ‘ran away’. If you watch Shawshank Redemption, that is exactly what I mean.


Everyone in school was looking for me. They though i was kidnapped or something

My parents was really really mad at me. They were ashamed.

They did not want to speak to me. And act like they did not care anymore.


So, I once was trying to kill myself with kitchen knife. I thought  it is better to die rather than live without love from my parents, from anyone

I was crying..

“No one care about me and no one love me. I don’t have reason to live anymore”

But luckily suddenly my father came and stop me. He shouted at me

“Do you think killing yourself will solve all of your problem?! Allah will cursed people who is killing herself! You will have no place except Hell! Forever and ever!. Open your eyes! Do not despair of God help!”

And I was just crying and crying

Then my father asked me to take wudhu (ablution) and pray Taubat. I went to ablution room and locked myself there in about 2 hours crying.


I cannot imagine how if my father is not a Muslim?

How if he does not tell me that killing myself is an unforgivable sin and I will be in hell forever?

I definitely killed myself at that time, or if I couldn’t.. I will continue to hate my life, never believe that actually Allah never sleep, and will help me right away when I was down


So it is not me who is the strong girl, but Islam teach me..

That when I was down, I need to wake up and believe that God has beautiful plan